Dear Nikki G,
I have a problem. I am a sophmore attending UCLA, majoring in psychology. I am the youngest of three kids, and the first to get accepted to a university. My mother is single, and raised us on her own, she is working really hard to put me through school, and I appreciate it. Since I was younger I have always wanted to sing professionally, I am really talented, and want to pursue it. My mother, and the rest of my family thinks it's crazy. I feel like they don't have faith in me. I am thinking about leaving school for awhile, it's to the point where I hate going to class everyday, all I want to do is sing. I don't want to disappoint my mother but I think I owe it to myself to try. How should I tell her?
First let me say congratulations! Being accepted into UCLA is a major accomplishment. This is a very important time for you, the decisions you make now, are going to have a major impact on the rest of your life, so think long and hard before jumping into anything. The reality is that there are a lot of talented singers out here, but the majority of them never make it, not to say that you won't. Let me suggest this, pursue your dream, but stay in school at the same time. There's no reason why you can't do both. Go to class and study... you can plan any shows, auditions etc... around your school schedule. You are going to have some exhausting days and nights, but if you are truly committed to making it, you'll pull through. You might also want to think about changing your major, maybe psychology isn't for you. There are a lot of "behind the scenes" careers in the music business that might interest you. You can use your UCLA degree to get your foot in the door, and then find the opportunity to showcase your talent once you're in...make your education work for you! It's hard to break into the business, so it's important that you build a solid foundation for yourself, just in case things don't work out the way you think they will. Use your education as a tool to help you get where you want to be, find a major that will support your new career plans. If you approach your mother with a practical plan that highlights you pursuing your dream, but also includes you finishing your education , I'm sure she'll be on board!
Thursday, October 13, 2011
Monday, October 3, 2011
MISERY LOVES COMPANY
Hey Nikki
Something has really been bothering me lately. My mother and I have never really had a good relationship. When I was younger we never really got along, now that I'm older I thought things would change, but they haven't. She's always down playing my accomplishments (like me graduating from college), and me doing a damn good job of raising my 3 kids by myself. She doesn't deal with my kids at all She has been single for over 10 years now, and always has something negative to say about my fiance. I'm getting married in 2 months to a really good man who loves me and has been helping raise my children which aren't even his, and I'm really thinking about not even inviting her. I want her there but she doesn't like my fiance, and she said that I shouldn't get married, so I don't want her to bring all the BS to my wedding. I've been thinking hard about cutting her off completely, smh I don't know...
Some times you have to learn to love from a distance. The reason you feel like she "down plays your accomplishments", is because you're expecting certain reactions from her, and you're not getting them. Stop expecting! If you have already told her how you feel about this, and she hasn't changed, then stop placing your expectations on her, you're only setting yourself up for disappointments. I know it's hard to not expect your mother to be supportive, and unconditionally loving, but maybe it's just not in her. Leave room for the possibility that maybe she doesn't know how to be the mother you expect her to be, and doesn't know how to give you what you need from her. Maybe the way she was raised, or something in her past prevents her from loving the way you think she should. Things might change in the future, so don't cut her completely off. Just continue to keep in contact with her, call her every once in a while and just tell her you love her. Just "agree to disagree" about the small things, and move on. As for your wedding , if you truly believe her being there would ruin your day, then don't invite her. But my suggestion is to talk to her first, let her know that you want her there but you don't need the negative energy. If she can't find it in herself to put aside your differences for this one day, then tell her not to come. You'll feel much better about whatever decision you make, as long as you know you tried, and at least extended her the invitation.
Something has really been bothering me lately. My mother and I have never really had a good relationship. When I was younger we never really got along, now that I'm older I thought things would change, but they haven't. She's always down playing my accomplishments (like me graduating from college), and me doing a damn good job of raising my 3 kids by myself. She doesn't deal with my kids at all She has been single for over 10 years now, and always has something negative to say about my fiance. I'm getting married in 2 months to a really good man who loves me and has been helping raise my children which aren't even his, and I'm really thinking about not even inviting her. I want her there but she doesn't like my fiance, and she said that I shouldn't get married, so I don't want her to bring all the BS to my wedding. I've been thinking hard about cutting her off completely, smh I don't know...
Some times you have to learn to love from a distance. The reason you feel like she "down plays your accomplishments", is because you're expecting certain reactions from her, and you're not getting them. Stop expecting! If you have already told her how you feel about this, and she hasn't changed, then stop placing your expectations on her, you're only setting yourself up for disappointments. I know it's hard to not expect your mother to be supportive, and unconditionally loving, but maybe it's just not in her. Leave room for the possibility that maybe she doesn't know how to be the mother you expect her to be, and doesn't know how to give you what you need from her. Maybe the way she was raised, or something in her past prevents her from loving the way you think she should. Things might change in the future, so don't cut her completely off. Just continue to keep in contact with her, call her every once in a while and just tell her you love her. Just "agree to disagree" about the small things, and move on. As for your wedding , if you truly believe her being there would ruin your day, then don't invite her. But my suggestion is to talk to her first, let her know that you want her there but you don't need the negative energy. If she can't find it in herself to put aside your differences for this one day, then tell her not to come. You'll feel much better about whatever decision you make, as long as you know you tried, and at least extended her the invitation.
Tuesday, September 27, 2011
WHAT GOES ON IN THIS HOUSE STAYS...
Nikki G
Me and my husband have been going through some things for the past few months. I found out he cheated. We separated for some time, but now we're back together and working it out. My mother and sister think I should leave him. Over the years they have seen us go through things and they just don't like him. Now it's to the point where everytime they come by our house, they don't speak to him, and always are making smart remarks about him. He is irritated with the situation and doesn't want to be around them anymore. I love my husband and my family, but I feel like he's putting me in a bad position, I've asked my sister to stop disrespecting him, but she is a grown woman, I can't control what she says or does, and he doesn't understand that. I don't know what to do anymore.
It's true you don't have control over the next persons actions, however you do have control over what goes on in your house. You have got to let your mother and sister know that if they want to continue to come by, they have to respect your marriage and your husband. You don't have to choose a side, let both sides know that you understand where they're coming from. Your husband has good cause to not want to be bothered. He doesn't have to subject himself to their ridicule and disrespect, especially in his own house. You made the decision to take him back and save your marriage, so stand on your choice and stand up for your husband, do not allow them to create chaos in your relationship, especially right now when things may still be a little rocky. If you want to prevent things like this from happening in the future, STOP telling them everything! It's ok to talk to your mother and sister about some things, and lean on them for advice sometimes, but they do not need to know everytime something is going wrong in your marriage. They have formed their opionions of your husband based on the things you have told them, you forgave him, but they haven't. So from now on, if you're having a problem with your husband, talk to your husband, or maybe someone else who is not so involved, that can remain objective. Try telling your family about the good things going on in your marriage, if they start hearing and seeing the positive things, then eventually over time their perceptions will change.
Me and my husband have been going through some things for the past few months. I found out he cheated. We separated for some time, but now we're back together and working it out. My mother and sister think I should leave him. Over the years they have seen us go through things and they just don't like him. Now it's to the point where everytime they come by our house, they don't speak to him, and always are making smart remarks about him. He is irritated with the situation and doesn't want to be around them anymore. I love my husband and my family, but I feel like he's putting me in a bad position, I've asked my sister to stop disrespecting him, but she is a grown woman, I can't control what she says or does, and he doesn't understand that. I don't know what to do anymore.
It's true you don't have control over the next persons actions, however you do have control over what goes on in your house. You have got to let your mother and sister know that if they want to continue to come by, they have to respect your marriage and your husband. You don't have to choose a side, let both sides know that you understand where they're coming from. Your husband has good cause to not want to be bothered. He doesn't have to subject himself to their ridicule and disrespect, especially in his own house. You made the decision to take him back and save your marriage, so stand on your choice and stand up for your husband, do not allow them to create chaos in your relationship, especially right now when things may still be a little rocky. If you want to prevent things like this from happening in the future, STOP telling them everything! It's ok to talk to your mother and sister about some things, and lean on them for advice sometimes, but they do not need to know everytime something is going wrong in your marriage. They have formed their opionions of your husband based on the things you have told them, you forgave him, but they haven't. So from now on, if you're having a problem with your husband, talk to your husband, or maybe someone else who is not so involved, that can remain objective. Try telling your family about the good things going on in your marriage, if they start hearing and seeing the positive things, then eventually over time their perceptions will change.
Sunday, September 25, 2011
HOLIER THAN THOU...
Hey Nikki G!
I have a boyfriend that I love very much. Not to long ago he starting getting into church, got baptized, and has started changing. He's getting on my nerves now! Now he's always talking about God ,quoting scripture, and trying to tell me about the changes I need to make in my life. We can't even have friends over without him trying to preach to them and judge them. We used to have fun together, but now he irritates me. I am a Christian and have been saved for years now, but I don't feel the need to always be talking about it, like he does. I love him but I'm starting to feel like this is not the real him, and it's pushing me away. I don't want to say anything to him because I don't want him to feel like I don't support him. Should I just ignore it?
First let me apologize for not answering right away, I intentionally saved this letter for today, I thought it would be a good Sunday morning topic. No you should not ignore your feelings. People change everyday, the hardest thing about being in a marriage or long term relationship is being able to deal with these changes, and grow with your partner. Change and growth are inevitable, you're either going to adapt and grow with each other, or one of you will outgrow the other. Luckily the change in your boyfriend is a positive one. Keep in mind that being saved and becoming a true believer is a life changing experience, and people deal with it in different ways, your experience might have been different from his. It sounds like he is excited about his new found belief, it's new to him so it might get on your nerves at first, however when you feel like he may be passing judgement on someone, you should remind him that his duty as a Christian is to serve not judge. It's ok to express to him how you're feeling, as long as you do it in a way that doesn't make him feel like you're attacking him and his faith. Just kindly mention that people don't like to always be preached at, let him know that that's not the way to encourage people to change. Tell him that it's ok to offer his testimony, and that people will see the changes in him and the ways that he has been blessed because of his faith, and THAT is what will bring others to God. If you tell him that certain things he does makes you uncomfortable, he might take it down a notch. Also remember that if you truely love him, you will not only love who he was, but also who he is, and who he will become.
I have a boyfriend that I love very much. Not to long ago he starting getting into church, got baptized, and has started changing. He's getting on my nerves now! Now he's always talking about God ,quoting scripture, and trying to tell me about the changes I need to make in my life. We can't even have friends over without him trying to preach to them and judge them. We used to have fun together, but now he irritates me. I am a Christian and have been saved for years now, but I don't feel the need to always be talking about it, like he does. I love him but I'm starting to feel like this is not the real him, and it's pushing me away. I don't want to say anything to him because I don't want him to feel like I don't support him. Should I just ignore it?
First let me apologize for not answering right away, I intentionally saved this letter for today, I thought it would be a good Sunday morning topic. No you should not ignore your feelings. People change everyday, the hardest thing about being in a marriage or long term relationship is being able to deal with these changes, and grow with your partner. Change and growth are inevitable, you're either going to adapt and grow with each other, or one of you will outgrow the other. Luckily the change in your boyfriend is a positive one. Keep in mind that being saved and becoming a true believer is a life changing experience, and people deal with it in different ways, your experience might have been different from his. It sounds like he is excited about his new found belief, it's new to him so it might get on your nerves at first, however when you feel like he may be passing judgement on someone, you should remind him that his duty as a Christian is to serve not judge. It's ok to express to him how you're feeling, as long as you do it in a way that doesn't make him feel like you're attacking him and his faith. Just kindly mention that people don't like to always be preached at, let him know that that's not the way to encourage people to change. Tell him that it's ok to offer his testimony, and that people will see the changes in him and the ways that he has been blessed because of his faith, and THAT is what will bring others to God. If you tell him that certain things he does makes you uncomfortable, he might take it down a notch. Also remember that if you truely love him, you will not only love who he was, but also who he is, and who he will become.
Monday, September 19, 2011
FOOD FOR THOUGHT
Dear Nikki,
My man won't eat my cooking, and it's driving me crazy! My boyfriend and I have been together for 3 months and he doesn't eat when I cook. I have took the time to look online and get recipes, and have prepared gourmet meals, and when he comes over he won't eat! He always tells me to put a plate in the microwave for him, but he never eats it. Sometimes he'll take the plate home with him, but I still don't think he eats it. When we go out to restaurants or family get togethers he always eats, it's really irritating me, what do you think is going on?
Lol. Maybe he doesn't like the meals you are cooking. Keep in mind you're still getting to know him, his likes and dislikes. He might not be a "gourmet" meal kind of guy. Some guys hate to try new things and they usually like to keep it simple. Some men are just plain old fashioned, down home "meat & potatoes" kind of guys. Next time your going to cook him something, ask him what he wants, that way you start getting a better idea of the things he likes. Just keep in mind "meat & potatoes" are always a winner, and if you want to make it special then, you can still spice it up with your own variations of meats, and flavors, the possiblities are endless.
My man won't eat my cooking, and it's driving me crazy! My boyfriend and I have been together for 3 months and he doesn't eat when I cook. I have took the time to look online and get recipes, and have prepared gourmet meals, and when he comes over he won't eat! He always tells me to put a plate in the microwave for him, but he never eats it. Sometimes he'll take the plate home with him, but I still don't think he eats it. When we go out to restaurants or family get togethers he always eats, it's really irritating me, what do you think is going on?
Lol. Maybe he doesn't like the meals you are cooking. Keep in mind you're still getting to know him, his likes and dislikes. He might not be a "gourmet" meal kind of guy. Some guys hate to try new things and they usually like to keep it simple. Some men are just plain old fashioned, down home "meat & potatoes" kind of guys. Next time your going to cook him something, ask him what he wants, that way you start getting a better idea of the things he likes. Just keep in mind "meat & potatoes" are always a winner, and if you want to make it special then, you can still spice it up with your own variations of meats, and flavors, the possiblities are endless.
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