BABY MAMA DRAMA

 

I have a man who has NO KIDS biologically. He just claims this little girl as his daughter because he was in a relationship with her mom and he started taking care of the little girl. This has been going on for about 10yrs and I am just now coming into his life for about a year. I noticed that he always made it his duty to call the little girl and text all day. He even was talking to the mother a lot as well. I knew it was something going on but he told me he wasn't with the girls mother. So I started snooping around looking through his phone, and I found texts from the mother,and also pictures of the mother in the phone. Everytime I would ask him, he would get made and tell me nothing was going on. I knew better. So I took the mother number out the phone just in case I needed to call. So finally my man was telling me he had to go to Vegas for a seminar. The night before he left, the mother text at 12:30am talking about she need to use his credit card to get a rental car. I confronted him, and he played me off like it was nothing. Finally the day came for him to leave and he did. I was ok because I trusted he was going to be on some business. However, when he told me he wasn't going to be able to talk to me while he was driving because he didn't want any police to bother him, that raised a red flag. He called me at his rest stops, and I was excited to hear from him. But later on, I decided to call the mother's phone with a blocled number. As soon as she answered, I heard my mans voice in the back ground. He was in Vegas with his ex( the mother of the daughter he claims). I immediately called his phone but he didn't answer. It was confirmed he was with her. So I called her back and she told me everything how they still have sex, how he always come to her house, and how they are just friends but my man still want people to believe that they are still together and also that he will never introduce her daughter to me bacause he still want her to believe that no other female is important than the two of them. I was mad as hell. I ignored all his calls and I was really thru with him. He didn't even make an attempt to come back because he said he rode in the car with them. When they got back she called me and told me they continued to have sex after she hung up in Vegas with me, so I called my man and asked him and he told me they did. That explained to me that he really didn't give a dam about me. I still took him back but I told him he havr to cut the mother off for good because I don't trust that. He said he would, but I found out he called her about some other stuff later that month. She kept calling him and leaving crazy messages about how she needed closure still, and I just felt like she didn't need anything she got all she could get in Vegas, plus she is not real his baby's mother. My man ended up going to a banquet for the daughter, and the mother was there. He didn't take me, and I knew something was up again. But he came home right after the banquet ended and told me nothing happend. But just to mention he talked to the mother on the phone, while I was right there, but he pretended it was the daughter. Now I don't even like when he do things for the daughter because I haven't even met her yet, she 16yrs old. Also I believe he still talk to the mother low key, but he hides it from me because he know I will trip. What should I do?
Note: the mother/ex would do anything to keep him in her life because she has no self esteem and she looney literally...so she will still mess with him knowing he has a new girlfriend because she feel like he loves her so much because he takes care of her daughter and they have 10yrs on/off.

Ok let me first address the issue you're having with his relationship with his daughter.  It's understandable that you're now uneasy with the father/daughter relationship, #1 because you haven't met her, and #2 because he's used the daughter to perpetrate a lie (talking to the mother when he says it's the daughter). However this is a battle that you will not win.  You don't want to get into a tug of war with him over his daughter, it's not really about her. The fact that she's not biologically his daughter only bothers you because he cheated with her mother.  If you were to take yourself out of the equation, you would probably say that he should be commended for stepping up and raising a child that's not his, especially considering the fact that he and the mother have called it quits, because despite the break up, the children shouldn't have to suffer.

Now, what should you do? You've caught him cheating, and he's admitted to it, now you're caught in a "I don't want to stay, but I don't want to go", state of mind.  And it's really not that you don't want to stay, it's that you don't want to stay if it's going to continue to be like this.  Believe me I understand.  The silver lining here is that clearly you both want to make it work, that's the most important thing.  If he wanted to be with her, this would have been the perfect scenerio to push him along, especially since she is willing to take him back, but he stayed.  If you didn't have it in you to make it work, this was the perfect opportunity for you to leave, but you stayed.  This is a good thing.  I also noticed that you mentioned her leaving a message stating that she "needs closure", that means that he has left her alone for the time being, has somehow tried to break things off, or hasn't been dealing with her in the way he used to, and she wants to know if it's really over this time.  No one knows the answer to this question but him, and unfortunately until you regain the trust you lost in him, the days ahead will be agonizing for you, because you will be haunted by paranoia and suspision. The fact that he will still have to deal with her in order to deal with his daughter, still remains.  However you have a heads up now, because he now knows that you and the childs mother have communicated, and that there's a chance  you two might talk again, so now he's going to think twice before jumping into bed with her again, because the thought of her telling you is in the back of his mind. Don't make this other woman, your obsession, I know it's hard not to, but you two will never regain the trust and move on if you're constantly thinking about her, talking about her, or looking for her (in his phone etc..).  You know your man.  If you believe in your heart that he is now making an effort to fix this, then try your best little by little to let this go, the old saying "once a cheater always a cheater" is not always true.  It will take time. However by all means keep your eyes and ears wide open, and let him know that you stayed out of love, and that this second chance he's been given is in no way any type of guarantee that you'll stick around if history should repeat itself.