A DREAM DEFERRED

Dear Nikki G,
I have a problem.  I am a sophmore attending UCLA, majoring in  psychology.  I am the youngest of three kids, and the first to get accepted to a university.  My mother is single, and raised us on her own, she is working really hard to put me through school, and I appreciate it.  Since I was younger I have always wanted to sing professionally, I am really talented, and want to pursue it.  My mother, and the rest of my family thinks it's crazy.  I feel like they don't have faith in me.  I am thinking about leaving school for awhile, it's to the point where I hate going to class everyday, all I want to do is sing.  I don't want to disappoint my mother but I think I owe it to myself to try.  How should I tell her?




First let me say congratulations!  Being accepted into UCLA is a major accomplishment.  This is a very important time for you, the decisions you make now, are going to have a major impact on the rest of your life, so think long and hard before jumping into anything.  The reality is that there are a lot of talented singers out here, but the majority of them never make it, not to say that you won't.  Let me suggest this, pursue your dream, but stay in school at the same time.  There's no reason why you can't do both.  Go to class and study... you can plan any shows, auditions etc... around your school schedule.  You are going to have some exhausting days and nights, but if you are truly committed to making it, you'll pull through.   You might also want to think about changing your major, maybe psychology isn't for you.  There are a lot of "behind the scenes" careers in the music business that might interest you.  You can use your UCLA degree to get your foot in the door, and then find the opportunity to showcase your talent once you're in...make your education work for you!  It's hard to break into the business, so it's important that you build a solid foundation for yourself, just in case things don't work out the way you think they will.  Use your education as a tool to help you get where you want to be, find a major that will support your new career plans.  If you approach your mother with a practical plan that highlights you pursuing your dream, but also includes you finishing your education , I'm sure she'll be on board!

MISERY LOVES COMPANY

Hey Nikki
Something has really been bothering me  lately.  My mother and I have never really had a good relationship. When I was younger we never really got along, now that I'm older I thought things would change, but they haven't. She's always down playing my accomplishments (like me graduating from college), and me doing a damn good job of raising my 3 kids by myself.  She doesn't deal with my kids at all  She has been single for over 10 years now, and always has something negative to say about my fiance.   I'm getting married in 2 months to a really good man who loves me and has been helping raise my children which aren't even his, and I'm really thinking about not even inviting her. I want her there but she doesn't like my fiance, and she said that I shouldn't get married, so I don't want her to bring all the BS to my wedding.  I've been thinking hard about cutting her off completely, smh I don't know... 



Some times you have to learn to love from a distance.  The reason you feel like she "down plays your accomplishments", is because you're expecting certain reactions from her, and you're not getting them.   Stop expecting! If you have already told her how you feel about this, and she hasn't changed, then stop placing your expectations on her, you're only setting yourself up for disappointments.  I know it's hard to not expect your mother to be supportive, and unconditionally loving, but maybe it's just not in her.  Leave room for the possibility that maybe she doesn't know how to be the mother you expect her to be, and doesn't know how to give you what you need from her.  Maybe the way she was raised, or something in her past prevents her from loving the way you think she should.  Things might change in the future, so don't cut her completely off.  Just continue to keep in contact with her, call her every once in a while and just tell her you love her.  Just "agree to disagree" about the small things, and move on.  As for your wedding , if you truly believe her being there would ruin your day, then don't invite her.  But my suggestion is to talk to her first, let her know that you want her there but you don't need the negative energy.  If she can't find it in herself to put aside your differences for this one day, then tell her not to come.  You'll feel much better about whatever decision you make, as long as you know you tried, and at least extended her the invitation.